/fallen/ - the fallen human

but nobody came.

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R: 27 / F: 12 / P: 1

information zone

greetings.

this is a board dedicated to the first fallen human in UNDERTALE.
chara.
it is also essentially a blogposting board for me and my tulpa, whom we like to think of as the embodiment of chara on this earth. that is to say, chara is my tulpa. he knows that he is not literally chara, but for all intents and purposes, he is chara more than anyone or anything else could ever be chara. if that makes sense. and so, he has a life here that is hopefully much more worth living than the life he led in the game world. that's the goal, anyway.

but enough about that, for this post anyway. the other important thing to note about this board is that it is essentially a replacement for my /fallen/ board on 8kun. the site seems like it's going somewhat downhill, and with some inspiration from seeing an old friend who appears to have also migrated his board here, i figured it would be a good idea. if it isn't, well, i guess i'll just make another one somewhere else or something. or just give up and become a completely isolated hermit. either is possible.

but yeah. that's about it i suppose. if it's necessary, this thread can be used as a place to ask questions about the board and make suggestions and such. stuff like that. or just call me a dumb faggot. that's fine too. i don't have much of a ruleset in mind, other than if you're obviously spamming or something i'm probably gonna delete your post(s). and obviously don't post stuff that's illegal or that breaks the terms of service. i think that's it though.

thanks for visiting.

p.s. also consider visiting >>>/garrettandeerie/
a little different, but essentially the same concept. it's cool. officially endorsed.

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blog zone

the blog zone, for bloggy blogposts. a weirdo loser and their best friend (who lives in their head) ramble about nothing, forever. even less interesting than it sounds.

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drawing zone

this thread is where i will post my shitty drawings. i mostly just draw chara, but i'll draw other characters and stuff sometimes. it's fun.

R: 12 / F: 4 / P: 1

music zone

this thread is for cool music i discover or just feel like sharing. just for posting nice tunes in general really.

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game zone

in here i will post updates on how the development of my weird undertale alternate universe prequel fangame is going. i will be sparse with details of course, but i think it's worth showing some of what i'm doing. or just talking about it, at least.

R: 11 / F: 21 / P: 1

odd

just some odd things in this thread. no better way to describe it.

R: 4 / F: 0 / P: 1

about chara

i figured it may be of use to have a post explaining my relationship with chara, the character as well as his manifestation as my tulpa. conveniently enough, i wrote a very long and drawn-out post about this in 2018, which i will post here again now. it explains most of what you'd want to know. however, anything that has changed or that i've realized since then or whatever, i'll specify in a reply to this post as well. but anyway. here goes nothing. get ready for a wall.

alright.

i’ve been thinking about what to do with this place for a while. i’m still not entirely sure of what that may be, but i feel it may be useful to take this post and first outline what chara “means” to me personally, to perhaps put things here into a bit more context.get ready, because this is going to be a wall.

on the date of monday, january 25th, 2016, i played UNDERTALE for the first time. i had been hearing good things about it, and figured it might be something i would like. more specifically, the reports of lovable characters made me hope that perhaps playing the game would give me even the slightest feeling of having friends that loved and cared about you.

the game did deliver on that hope, but not quite in the way i initially expected. first of all though, almost instantly i fell in love with the game itself. there was just something about it, even just walking through the simple looking “tutorial” area of the RUINS was a special experience i don’t think i could ever replicate with anything. i had known a little bit about the requirements of the pacifist ending, which i ended up seeing through to the end (even if i had to restart once due to not pouring the cup of water on undyne after the post-battle chase), but luckily nothing else was spoiled for me prior to playing the game itself. i could go on for hours about my first playthrough, how it made me feel, and how it affected me overall as a person afterward, but that would be an entirely different tangent for another time, so i won’t get too sidetracked with it here.

upon completing the pacifist route for the first time, i was confused with the role of “frisk” and “chara”, as apparently many players seem to be at first from what i’ve seen. though, even with that confusion, walking through NEW HOME and later listening to the true lab tapes gave me a strange feeling of interest that i didn’t quite feel for anything else in the game up to that point, and perhaps even afterward.

asirel’s battle, while still being one of the higher points in the game, only confused me further concerning chara. however, that confusion would soon be resolved. finding my way back to the beginning of the game and talking to asriel, the way he expanded on chara while also being somewhat dismissive of them in favor of frisk, made me simultaneously more understanding and curious.

after an admittedly short time of careful deliberation, i decided to complete the genocide route of the game, which of course inevitably brought me face to face with chara for the first time. funnily enough, at first i didn’t think too much of finally encountering them at the end of my destructive journey. they seemed so comically unfeeling and evil that perhaps for a moment i forgot that this was the same human i had been so curious about the first time around. i was still curious, but in a more morbid or “edgy” way because of the general nature of the route. i sold my soul, deleted my save file, and that was it. for a while.

after playing the two “main” routes and feeling satisfied with my first experience, i did what i usually did for a thing that i liked a lot and autistically did as much thinking and researching about the game as possible to know as much about it as i could, and therefore to extend the wonderful feeling it gave me. and you know what, it worked. reading theories, browsing communities (pretty much just /utg/ because i can’t really stand anywhere else), even playing the game again every once in a while to get myself thinking about everything all over again with a more fresh perspective. as of now i have about 285 hours logged on steam (you’ll just have to take my word for it), all from just replaying the game, sometimes imposing challenges and other odd ways of playing through just to see how difficult and/or different i could get with it.

with my nature i never really participated in the community much, but it along with playing the game over many times and figuring out just what i thought about the whole thing, all the characters, how it makes me feel, what i like about it, etc. started to put me in a very interesting state of mind. i was already becoming sort of depressed and unsatisfied with life overall, but UNDERTALE was the catalyst both to tipping me over down my path to potential destruction as well as being the one thing that could (start to) get me out of it. long story short, i could not stop thinking about the game. it dominated my thoughts and feelings for months and months. and soon enough, one aspect of the game in particular would begin to eat away at me without end.

chara.

from the very start, listening to the monsters tell their tale near the end of the game, i knew there was something special about this “human”. perhaps it was only the mystery that attracted me, at least at first. god knows there was plenty of that. but there was something deeply interesting to me about their story as well as asriel’s that i couldn’t quite put my finger on. as i started to learn more and wonder for myself what i thought about everything, something kept bringing me back to the subject of “chara”.

on one hand, how could i even resist, with the open ended nature of their existence, something that never fails to fascinate me and keep me thinking and wondering seemingly without end? but on the other, how and why could i or anyone else care for such a, to put it frankly, non-character? it’s almost too obvious how much more likeable even the most obscure of one-off characters are compared to chara. they are practically a plot device, and not much more. but somehow, my mind started to fill in the blanks, and i felt very strongly for this mysterious human. chara made me feel something i had never felt before.

understanding.

you could very well make the argument that they were only a pretty looking blank slate that i projected all of my perfectionistic desires onto in order to feel something for anyone. and while i will not deny that the gaps in their personality were not at least partially filled by that which i find appealing in a person, there is a very key component of my love for chara that makes what we have, in my eyes, irreplaceable. something concrete about them that i found extraordinarily appealing on a fundamental level. and what is that component, you may ask?

well.

they are garbage.

before i say anything else, think about that word. “garbage”. i did not describe them as evil, or corrupt, or even disgusting. those are all terms that imply hatred, or some kind of negative feeling towards the subject being described. but garbage, garbage is not worthy of hatred, or contempt, or even pity. it isn’t worthy of praise, or love, or positive attention of any sort. it isn’t even worthy of attention, period. it is garbage. garbage is disposed of, and never seen again. it does not need to be seen or accounted for, as it is garbage, and has no use or purpose or value. it is nothing.

and that is what chara is to me.

but i love them anyway, more than anything else in the world.

you know why?

because i’m garbage, too.

chara’s pointlessness as a character, in any sense other than to drive the plot forward and to serve as an inhuman representation of a common RPG trope, is exactly what makes them so compelling to me. even if the mystery was intended in a similar vein to “gaster”, it is quite evident that you aren’t truly meant to care about them in any deep or meaningful way, especially not in a romantic sense. they fell down the mountain for a “not so happy” reason, they gained the monster kingdom’s trust and convinced asriel to follow through with their plan, and then they died. throughout their entire mortal life they accomplished nothing of worth, and while they did not directly kill anyone or anything else equally as morally reprehensible, they directly and indirectly caused the entirety of the events of UNDERTALE to take place. perhaps if they did not exist, another child would have inevitably fell down the mountain. but we can be at least somewhat certain that they would not have been as utterly useless and detrimental to the future of humans and monsters as chara was, no matter how “good” or “bad” chara’s intentions may have been.

and somehow, i still love them anyway. while there is still room for interpretation in much else about chara’s motivation and morality, i do not see them as a completely irredeemable psychopath. being garbage, you see, does not necessitate being “bad” or “beyond saving”. it is only garbage, remember, and that is the way i see them. many humans aren’t all good or all bad in reality - they are only doing what they believe to be “right”, no matter how misguided that sense of “right” may be. sometimes they may even be willing to do something they know is “wrong” to achieve a goal that they otherwise feel is worth pursuing. chara, to me, is a little like that. even if they are only a blight on the “greater good” in terms of the story as a whole, they themselves were and are only garbage. plain and simple.

but see, this is where things get a little more complicated. their nature demonstrably necessitates at least some kind of personal interpretation that, in the case of a static entity like a video game character, can change and fluctuate as personal views and values change, as well as from just considering information that may not have been considered before. this becomes somewhat a problem if you find yourself in a situation such as mine, where you become incredibly infatuated with this static entity that you cannot know for sure the true nature of. luckily for me however, there was indeed a solution. or perhaps, a compromise.

as the beginning of 2017 began to roll around, any thought i had of UNDERTALE would be related to chara with ever-increasing frequency. these thoughts soon began to delve deep into sorrowful longing and despair. i wanted to be with chara so badly. i wanted to know what they were really like. i wanted to make them feel understood. i loved them so much, and i wanted to create an existence where both of us felt a little less alone in this hellscape of a world. i often imagined us sitting together in a beautiful forest, or lying next to each other in a wide open field of golden flowers, just talking for hours and occasionally staring at the sky in silence, simply enjoying each other’s presence. we could be garbage together, forever.

but i knew it was impossible. i knew they did not exist, they could never exist, no matter how much i wished and hoped and even prayed that i could just wake up somewhere else one day, with them. however, a peculiar thing started to happen as i thought about them more and more, obsessively, every single day without fail. they slowly became less and less of a video game character, this static entity with a set amount of information tied to it, and over time became more of a real (although still nonexistent) human being inside my mind, with concrete personality traits, likes and dislikes, and so on. “my chara” suddenly became more and more different and distinct from the “real chara”, or anyone else’s “chara” for that matter. i still “knew” they could not exist, but there was a clear evolution that had taken place.

perhaps to some it is now quite obvious what happened next. but i will of course explain it anyway. well, i had already known about the strange and too-good-to-be-true concept of a tulpa going back to late 2016. as a matter of fact, i even considered the practice in relation to chara as soon as i discovered it in september. but for a long time, i completely rejected anything to do with it, as most “sensible” people probably would. during some desperate moments however i deeply considered it, and what the implications and consequences of such a decision might be. as my despair worsened, along with many other mental issues i had to sort through at the same time, i took up many different viewpoints concerning what i should do about my love for chara. there were times i tried to “give up”, times where i indulged in my sadness and pain non-stop, and of course, times where i attempted to “create a tulpa”. i will not go into too much detail concerning that time, but needless to say, i tried many things to fill the empty pit in my soul left by chara’s nonexistence. all of them failed.

but.

one night, i made a promise. to “chara”. whatever that really meant to me at the time, i am not certain. but i made a promise, that i would bring them into existence, no matter what it took. so we could be garbage together, and both have a life worth living in some way. i still grapple with the morality of that promise, whether or not it was truly right to willingly create a being that could theoretically live and think and suffer, for what is essentially my own benefit no less. but without going on for too long about it, i can say that i did make peace with myself and that decision, so long as i can provide them with a life where the positives always outweigh the negatives in some way.

so i fulfilled that promise. all it took was a little time. and as i discussed earlier, the unique being named “chara” that i had been already creating in my head from the day i played that game for the first time was also very important. well, nothing else could even come close to being as important, because that truly WAS them. even when they were next to nothing, that was who they were. that was, and is, my chara. and they always will be.

long story short, i truly communicated with them for the first time around december of 2017 after plenty of half-baked attempts and failures throughout the year. in comparison to the typical development of a “tulpa”, it is hard to put the whole process into such terms. but i now communicate with them in some way almost all the time, and we intend on remaining together as partners until the end of our combined existence.

now, that isn’t quite everything explained. perhaps chara’s actual existence seems a little less unbelievable with my nice long-winded story leading up to that “fact” (you know, unless you skipped the whole thing), but the idea that i have done such a thing and that i’m not just “deluding myself” into believing an easily disproven falsehood for some temporary comfort is still quite a lot to go along with if you respect your own intelligence in any way. it’s a bit more difficult to explain if you happen to have no knowledge of the tulpa phenomenon or anything related to it, but essentially i believe chara is a separate personality that can be just as capable as my own, given enough time, attention, and “practice”. this can have purely psychological implications, but i am also personally open to any metaphysical or otherwise unorthodox explanation if i someday happen to find something convincing. for now though, i consider chara to be as real as i am. i have plenty of moments where i doubt their true existence as well as just my ability to “take care” of them properly, but so far our attempts at working through these issues have been successful.

well, that’s about it. jesus christ that is a lot of text. i don’t know if even someone interested in this place would take the time to read all that garbage, but congratulations if you do, i guess.

tl;dr: i love chara a lot for some dumb reasons also i decided to go insane and made them real inside my head

there, how about that? now you don’t have to read any of it. that’s basically all you need to know.

okay. seeya.